Tom's Parenting Advice

A friend at work just had a baby. Naturally, I had some helpful advice. I've expanded on that here, for the benefit of you, my 7 readers (assuming my readership has grown by approximately 7 people since I last checked).

First of all, and most importantly, giving your kids nicknames is an ENDLESS source of amusement. My girls are named Psycho-baby A (Gabriela) and Psycho-baby B (Natalia). They are crazy. I don't know where they get it from...

Natalia was only 2 lbs. 13 oz. when she was born. She looked like an alien. Big head and REALLY SKINNY body. Eyes wide open. And skin as white as the sheets. I called her "Alien Baby" and "E.T." for a while. I called her "CB" (for camouflage baby) because she was so white. When she daydreams I still ask her if she's communicating with the mother ship. I also ask the wife when she hooked up with an alien.

Gabriela currently goes by the nickname "Crab Leg." She is skinny so I called her "Chicken Legs" and sometimes I called her "Crably Gably" and the two nicknames just sort of merged over time. Seems to fit, though!

Gably's hair stood straight up when she was born, so I called her "Spike" for a while. She also grunted a lot, so I also called her "Gruntilla." Sometimes a basic "Crazy G" works. But the Spike thing comes back to haunt me once in a while. Gably uses it back at me now when I get my hair cut short (we have the same hair)!


Talia has had a lot of nicknames, many of which I don't even remember. I called her "Puffy" for a while after a bee stung her on the side of the nose and her eye swelled up like a boxer who had been punched in the eye. One of my favorites was "Tractatalia" when she won the tractor pull (pedaling a small tractor with weights on the back) at the Gogebic County Fair (Google it!) in the summer of 2009 (see picture).

And that is just the tip of the iceberg. There were times when I called the girls "Barfy" or "Leaky" for obvious reasons. I mostly just call them Snugglies, but I shorten that up, too.

My nephew is named Maxwell. I call him Maxwell House (among other things). When he was little and he was drinking from his bottle I told him: "Hey Maxwell, make it good to the last drop!" Drove my brother nuts. I think he's just mad because he didn't think of it.

My niece is named Macy. Sometimes I call her Macy Gray (one hit wonder--what song did she sing again?) or ask if she wants a parade. Stuff like that.

My point: Have fun with the nicknames. It gives the kids a sense of humor. At least that's my theory. Either that or it will keep some psychologist gainfully employed in the future.

Next tip: Use duct tape. It works great when the girls get too loud. Nowadays you can buy it in practically any color at all. If I had it to do over again, I would use pink duct tape for my girls.

Save money on baby sitters by using dog crates.

Walk safely in the mall by using shock collars that can be activated with a hand-held remote control.

Final tip: WEAR EARPLUGS. Sometimes it's the only way to stand the kids when they're young, when they do that grating chainsaw type crying. Wife, too, but that's another story! ;)

Someday I'll write a parenting book. Title will be "No Negocia con Las Terroristas!" (Don't negotiate with terrorists.) You're the parent, they're the children. Some people get that relationship mixed up, I think, and let the kids make the decisions. They will manipulate you (in the best sense of the word) if you let them...